It has been a quiet four months on this blog; the unintended break was necessary, though. Since January Meaghan and I have both been working through some deeply personal “stuff”.  We are willing to share some of it on the internet because our “stuff” has informed and impacted our teaching in various ways.

Early 2017 found me seeking professional counseling (for the first time) after a term of crying in my principal/vice principal’s office every two weeks.  I thought I was going to counseling for birth trauma related issues and, while that is partially true, it turns out I had decades worth of other issues to work out as well. Funny how that works, hey?  After so much reflection, conversation with a trusted small circle and meditation I finally feel like I’ve got a slight handle on my head and my heart.

One of the reasons I haven’t been blogging very much at all is because since September I’ve honestly felt like I don’t have very much to contribute to this blog; I “just” teach dance, after all.  Self-worth and self-love were a hot topic of my counseling sessions this past winter. Also, my life is very busy; I have an active toddler, a house and a garden to keep, a husband who works full time and who just finished a 1.5 year renovation on our house, it’s half marathon season again (how?!) and I work .7 FTE between two schools.  I’ll be honest and say that when I do have those rare free hours of time I am actively choosing to not blog.  But then a funny thing happened to me tonight and I felt the familiar bubbling of a blog post idea surface and I quickly realized that maybe it was time to log back on to WordPress.  So here I am and here are the Golden Shoes:

How awesome are those shoes? They belong to my sister; she wears them casually like how I wear TOMS, but her cool status is so far off the charts that she actually pulls those golden beauties off like she’s Beyoncé.

Tonight my sister and I met for our weekly Monday spin at our gym and as soon as I set up my bike I realized I’d forgotten my runners in my kitchen. Since my daughter was born I engage in these “I’m getting dumber every day” moments all the time. It’s a minor miracle if I know where my wallet is at any given moment and I am not even kidding. This newfound forgetfulness is frustrating for me because I never used to be this dumb.  In fact, I used to be so smart.  Part of this struggle seeps into my belief that maybe I’m just not smart enough (or good enough) to teach in a “regular” classroom or do a Masters degree.  Maybe I “just” teach dance because I’m too dumb to teach anything else right now.  I’ve been turning that idea over since September when I decided to go back into the school studio as a dance teacher.

So, I left my runners at home, but my sister had the Golden Shoes in her bag.  She offered me her sweet golden kicks and at first I thought, “No way! I can’t spin in these!”, but my other option was to spin in eight year old Birkenstocks so I tried the Golden Shoes on.  They fit, kind of. I decided to stick it out for as long as I could because I love my Monday spin class and I was already at the gym. After thirty minutes of spinning in golden high tops my feet started to blister and I decided to ditch the class early because, as I mentioned above, it’s early in half marathon training season and I didn’t want to waste my feet that much. I left my spin class early (I quit!), but I did my best with what I had for as long as I could. I quit.  Am I a quitter? I totally could have pushed harder. If only I wasn’t so dumb then maybe I’d get a real workout in.  Was this spin class even worth it? Does the fact that I “just” teach dance mean that I’m a quitter in my career, too? What if I quit on my big dreams for my dance program? Can I do this alone?

Next year some big changes are happening at my middle school and I’m not sure yet if I’ll be teaching at the high school again.  It’s May, which interestingly is a season of major (impending) transition in BC schools. The unknown is both heart breaking and terrifying for me; I’ll be the first to admit, I do not like change from what is already “a good thing”.  I feel like doing my best with what I have for as long as I can is slowly becoming my teaching mantra.  I am so lucky to have this random skill set that allows me to teach school dance, which is something I truly love. I really do work hard at my job, despite the fact that it is, dare I say, easy for me.  And my dance teaching job is a real job, despite what many people might think.  One day the time will come to quit the studio and go back into the classroom, just like how I quit the classroom to go in to the studio. I’m learning that life’s seasons will wisely guide me if I just slow down and lean in to the guidance. Thank you, counseling sessions and meditation.

Thanks to my sister’s Golden Shoes for serving as an inspiration to me tonight.  It looks like I’m back on the blog!